


A Hundred Reasons Why You Shouldn't Love Me

by say_im_good



Category: VIXX
Genre: College AU, M/M, Slowish build, awkward jaehwan, haken - Freeform, hakyeon learning to love himself, hongbin and hyuk are the dumb roommates, jaehwan learning that its ok to love hakyeon, somewhat abusive navi, taekwoon is wonshik's angry ex, wonshik learning that possession isn't love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-05 12:08:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11013132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/say_im_good/pseuds/say_im_good
Summary: 'Here is listed a hundred reasons why you shouldn't love me for you to remember. You've been too kind to me, Jaehwan, you're my best friend, so remember these so you don't get sad and can quickly forget me.' Hakyeon, lost in a surety that he doesn't deserve to exist, attempts to end his life after leaving a heart-wrenching letter to Jaehwan, who despite the statement in the letter, barely knows Hakyeon. He sets out to figure out how to fix things, to push past his avoidance of Hakyeon's harsh life, and most of all to prove a hundred reasons why Hakyeon is wrong.





	1. List

"Dear Hwannie,"

He wondered when Hakyeon had written this. Had it been on a good night, laying outside on the park bench on his tummy like he did, eating ice cream treats for lunch at school like he did, or had it been a bad night. A night that happened the same way around half of the time but never seemed to be resolved or changed or fixed or.... Jaehwan figured it wasnt his right to be so passionate about a life that he hadnt been told about by the owner. It may be considered impolite.

Because Hakyeon didnt tell him. Hakyeon didnt tell him any of this, leaving him to only be able to see by hints in those tinted brown eyes that betrayed their master and cried for help. Hakyeon declared, no, demanded that Jaehwan believe he was fine. His desperation to seem okay made it so much more clear that he wasnt. For so many reasons, too.

"Aah, I fall a lot. Clumsy me!"

"I ate before I got here, I'm seriously so stuffed."

"They're just friends, we're arguing right now. Dont worry, it'll get better."

"Don't worry, it'll get better."

"Don't worry, it'll....."

Jaehwan wondered if he had questioned that mantra even once if this would be happening. If he had said 'It's not okay' even once. But he feared Hakyeon being angry at his invasion of personal space, and as much as he cared for Hakyeon, he had only known him for the school year. It wasnt his right to get involved when he wasnt welcomed in.  
But damn it, he should have!

"School wasn't fun today. I lied to you about that. I didnt want you to blame yourself or feel like its cause of what you said."

So it was that day... That day two weeks ago when Hakyeon was found crying in a bathroom stall, an unfortunately common thing for the senior. "You need to leave him," Jaehwan had said boldly, angrily, feeling his fists balling up as he dreamed so impatiently of decking stupid Wonshik in the face. Hakyeon shook his head. "It's not him, it's my fault..." he sobbed. That was one thing, the only thing, that Hakyeon did that would piss Jaehwan off. He'd blame himself. 'If they leave then I mustve run them off' mentality. Hakyeon seemed to have this idea firmly planted in his head that if he was too flawed or made too many mistakes he'd lose everyone around him. He wasnt necessarily wrong though.

Not because of him, but because of everyone around him. Like stupid fucking Wonshik. When Hakyeon transferred to their school, Wonshik was quick to scoop up the 'cute new kid with the dialect.' Jaehwan didnt consider getting to know Hakyeon at the time. He had his own friends, he was satisfied with them.

But Hakyeon was so gullible. Wonshik would talk shit about him to his group of jerks right in front of his face and he'd just sit there smiling, not knowing what was really happening, just enjoying the attention. He really fell in love with Wonshik, the dyed white hair and the bad boy attitude. He didnt even know that two guys could have sex until Wonshik was pinning him to the side of a stall one day when the stronger was feeling horny and feisty and telling him to just go with it. And he did, because he just loved Wonshik so much and was too terrified to lose him to even consider saying no. Jaehwan was in the stall next to theirs, skipping class and doodling in his notebook when he heard the feeble voice whisper 'But what if someone hears...? I dont even know how... Wonshik....' That was how he found his heart for Hakyeon. The whimpers, the 'Wonshik, it hurts, p.. please...' and the fact that when Wonshik left him on the bathroom floor upon finishing and Hakyeon was 'alone' he cried, curling up and hugging himself, mumbling not that he had just practically been raped, not that he had no say in that....

He was mumbling that he didnt do a good enough job. That Wonshik might avoid him, hate him. And Jaehwan wanted to save him from then on.  
He made friends with Hakyeon. Hakyeon was easy to talk to and open to everyone, not seeming to realize that almost everyone who spoke to him did it either because they heard he was Wonshik's new toy or because he was attractive and completely dense when it came to being selfish. He was used a lot.  
He was abused a lot. Jaehwan was always too scared to say something. The baddies at school didnt bother him, and he wanted to help Hakyeon without risking his own happiness and comfort. He was an asshole himself. So when he saw Jung Taekwoon, Wonshik's ex-boyfriend, with his whole clic cornering Hakyeon behind the school, slamming him to the ground and kicking him around, his first instinct was to keep walking. And he did.

"How'd you get all those bruises?"

"I fall a lot, remember?" He wouldve called Hakyeon out on his bullshit the day after he was assaulted if he didnt remember that he couldve stopped it and ignored it. He had no right to scold the other. So he dropped it.

And that was how it went. He'd drop it. They were never necessarily close, which was why Jaehwan was confused when he read 'You're my best friend' when scanning carelessly through the scribbled mess that was Hakyeon's handwriting. He went back and began to actually pay attention to the massive letter Hakyeon had slipped under his door, the one he had assumed was some assignment or whatever.

He never felt so conflicted in his life. Stay or go...? Look for Hakyeon or hide in his comfort, swear to himself it wasnt HIS fault, it wasnt HIM hurting him.... Jaehwan was running out the door before he even finished the damned thing.

'Jaehwan, you said you think I'm annoying. I agree honestly. I cant stand myself. Wonshik and Taekwoon hate me too, I've realized that. In fact, I realized that everyone at the school hates me. They think I'm stupid. They don't care about me. But you're different.'

"I'm not..." Jaehwan mumbled as he ran out of the dorm building. He didnt even know where the fuck he was going, he didnt know Hakyeon well enough to even know where he was going to do it.

'You care. You love me, you take care of me. I can speak openly and not feel annoying or judged.'

"I judge you... I called you an idiot in my head, gullible, I judged you just like they did, just more quietly...."

'So I figured that I'd owe you an apology for suddenly giving up. But my thoughts are that I make so many mistakes all the time... So just one more big mistake and that wont happen anymore... Wonshik can find someone who isnt so incompetent and stupid. Taekwoon wont have to see my face anymore. But you... I figured you're the only person who might be sad. So this letter is to remind you that you shouldnt be. I've listed a hundred reasons why you shouldnt love me, why you shouldnt be sad to lose me. This way you'll remember that I'm not someone you should miss and you can move on happily. Thank you for taking care of me, Jaehwan. I'll start that list now. But afterwards... goodbye. Take care and stay happy.' 

But Jaehwan refused to keep this up any longer. Hakyeon was too sweet to feel so alone and worthless that he wanted to die. Jaehwan didnt care anymore if he'd get hurt, if he'd lose his own friends. If they'd leave him for being nice then fuck them anyway. His mission was to scan this list Hakyeon had made, memorize every detail, then prove to him that every single thing listed was wrong. 

He ran all night searching until he reached the bridge above the lake. He found Hakyeon... right as he fell down towards the black mirror below, tears in his eyes and his lips pressed together in fear. 


	2. Value

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Reason 1: I'm more effort that I'm worth.'

Jaehwan never considered himself a swimmer. He didn't really find the fun in splashing around in a pool of icy cold water, especially in the middle of winter like this unless he was with Sanghyuk or Hongbin or someone who he could splash or joke with. Nevertheless, he was swimming.

Hakyeon hadn't sunk too deep yet, but he was sinking, his form completely still and limp as Jaehwan could barely make him out through the intense darkness of the water and the night combined. A normal person would still be flailing, even if they wanted to drown. He couldnt be dead....! Jaehwan swam faster at the thought. 

He was terrified because he couldnt find him, he kept having to go back up for air and couldnt find the person who was rapidly sinking, drowning..! But then he caught sight of a glimmer... Hakyeon's bracelet! Jaehwan focused on that and within two minutes he was to the surface again with Hakyeon on his back, abnormally still and heavier than normal due to his soaking wet clothes.

He struggled to get them to shore, and as his legs grew further and further exhausted he wondered if they'd both end up drowning here once he cramped too bad. Luckily his prayers to live to see the sun and the warmth again were heard, and after minutes of struggling to swim, they were on the shore.

What should he do though...?! Hakyeon was completely still. Jaehwan figured suddenly that it was a pretty long fall from the bridge... Hakyeon must've hit the water too hard and knocked himself out. That was why he wasn't struggling upon drowning. Why was he contemplating this?! He had to DO something!!

Mouth to mouth? Would that even help?! He had to try it. They had taken a course in his swimming classes in like fourth grade but he wasnt sure if he remembered what to do. Carefully but quickly he pressed his palms over each other on Hakyeon's chest, took a deep breath, then pressed down a few times with gentle but firm force. Then he refused to hesitate and pushed his lips against the other's, breathing air into his mouth.

A little water rushed from Hakyeon's parted lips when he pulled away and pushed again, and Jaehwan tilted his head so that it wouldnt choke him if he were to cough it all up. Two minutes passed and Jaehwan was in tears. The water was coming out but he wasnt waking up...! Was he going to witness Hakyeon die right here...? Not being able to do anything to stop it the first time he tried...? He was crying as he continued, muttering, "You idiot, you shouldve come to me first! What if you die?!" He'd hoped for a response but didnt expect one, surprised at Hakyeon's tiny cough so much that he fell backwards a bit before scrambling back into position and getting back to work with a renewed hope in Hakyeon's life.

Twenty seconds and another cough, this one much less feeble as the other began to gag on the water he was choking up, Jaehwan lifting him and tilting him until Hakyeon was fully conscious, crying, and trapped in a coughing fit. 

"It's okay, it's okay," Jaehwan muttered, patting his back in a mild attempt to help until finally, finally Hakyeon got his breath back, falling to the rocks in exhaustion. His voice when he spoke was rough and damaged as he sobbed out, "Don't hate me."

Jaehwan winced in confusion, asking rather harshly, "What?" because Hakyeon literally was dying and THAT’S what he was worried about? But there he went, curling up on his side, coughing a little but repeating the words, "Please don't hate me..."

"Hakyeon, why would I hate you?" The older male hiccuped a little, shaking his head despite the sharp rocks he was pressing his cheek into upon doing so. "Cause I'm a problem. You should’ve just let me die..."

He wanted to smack this kid. He didn’t of course, that would’ve been completely wrong for the situation, but Hakyeon was just being so… Jaehwan sighed and lifted up the older male in his arms, surprised at how light he felt before remembering, oh right, he never ate. Hakyeon cried into his shirt and he simply shook his head. “Seriously, why did you want to die…? Everyone else deserves to die if you do, you’re a saint.” Hakyeon slowly shook his head in denial though, burying his face into Jaehwan’s chest further until the tears were seeping through into their already soaked bodies. It was freaking freezing and while he knew he should take Hakyeon to a hospital, he decided to go get a warm shower instead. He figured it would help more than footing a crazy bill anyway, and Hakyeon seemed fine now. 

He shared his dorm with Hongbin and Sanghyuk, who were nonetheless surprised to see their best friend and that one kid who was awkward and way too innocent and dating the most charismatic dirty guy in the school, both walking in soaking wet. “Uh… hi,” Sanghyuk threw out, blinking rapidly as if trying to distinguish whether this was real or just a hallucination from studying for ten hours straight; that kid didn’t mess around. Hakyeon seemed shy though, simply hiding away from them for now and Jaehwan shrugged and made his way to the bathroom. “We’ve only got one bathroom, but since you legit almost died you can go first. Just don’t use all the hot water please, I might get hypothermia soon.” Hakyeon nodded faintly as he was put down before hugging Jaehwan tightly and rushing in. The younger blinked himself, somewhat similar to how Sanghyuk did. What was up with Hakyeon that he was so damned grateful for everything, even the small things, even if they were said rudely? He shrugged and snuggled his place between Hongbin and Sanghyuk on the couch, simply muttering when they asked that ‘he’ll be staying here a few days.’


	3. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Reason 2: I'll lie to you.'

“So… uh… What?” Hongbin’s question was Jaehwan’s answer and his two roommates seemed to finally recognize that the expression on their elder friend’s face was mirroring their own. “He um…” He figured it would be rude to explain that Hakyeon tried to kill himself, but honestly how else was he to explain how they were both drenched to the point where there were puddles forming everywhere Jaehwan stood for longer than a second? “He went swimming…” Jaehwan started, Sanghyuk sighing heavily and turning back to his schoolwork. Normally this would seem rather rude, but Sanghyuk was a busy kid and honestly didn’t have time for obviously fabricated stories. Hongbin, who often procrastinated and valued his time more than his grades, seemed interested though, cocking an eyebrow. “Swimming,” he stated bluntly, as if trying to show Jaehwan how stupid that sounded in the middle of fucking winter. “Yeah,” Jaehwan muttered, wishing Hakyeon would get out of the shower already so he could rush in and not have to be awkward about this anymore, not knowing what he should tell about what happened and what was private. “And he got a cramp…”

“A cramp?” Hongbin didn’t believe him at all, but whatever. “Yeah, a cramp. So I jumped in and got him out but he seemed kinda cold so I thought he should get a warm shower…”

“Shouldn’t you take him to his pimp for that?” Hongbin’s stare didn’t waver as Jaehwan’s eyes pierced into him accusingly. Surely Hongbin knew it was rude, but Hongbin wasn’t ever a vocally reserved person. Jaehwan just hoped he wouldn’t go saying things like this to Hakyeon’s face. Jaehwan remembered the time in the bathroom, hearing Hakyeon’s quiet pleads to Wonshik that they shouldn’t be doing… nevermind. Jaehwan sighed. Trying to have a conversation at the moment was more exhausting than having to swim out of the river carrying an unconscious person. He just wanted to crash and not wake up for four days. Screw class.   
   
Hongbin seemed to catch on to the fact that Jaehwan was done when Jaehwan never answered. The photographer shrugged, spinning in his swivel chair and muttering in a low but slightly sing-songy voice, “Don’t let Wonshik find out he’s here.” Jaehwan honestly wished he were selfless like Hakyeon. He wished he could just say, ‘Go ahead, come in! I don’t mind that your overprotective, abusive boyfriend might come smash my face in for even talking to you, I definitely don’t mind how I’m going to lose a good number of friends hanging around you, I don’t mind at all!’ He wished. At least that way he could say that it wasn’t his fault when things happened. It was better in his opinion to seem selfless than cowardly, but he just couldn’t do it.  
   
So when Hakyeon was out of the shower, wearing Jaehwan’s old hoodie and basketball shorts that were probably strewn on the ground like at least twenty dirty other articles of clothing were (Sanghyuk and Jaehwan’s handiwork, Hongbin threw a fit every time he saw the clutter), Jaehwan quickly rushed him to the door. Hakyeon’s eyes were wide with confusion as Jaehwan was talking a paragraph a second, spewing out some shit about how he had a test to study for and how his mom didn’t want him having any more roommates and how Hakyeon probably had some friends waiting for him, all bullshit lies he made up so that he didn’t have to just say that he was scared of the consequences of communicating with this boy for too long. And Hakyeon, gullible, angel Hakyeon nodded in saddened understanding, promising he’d return Jaehwan’s clothes washed and ironed the next day, and heading out. Jaehwan wished that Hakyeon would just… yell at him or something. Just declare that he was clearly tired of being taken advantage of. Surely he knew. After losing so many people in his life to the fact that he was easy to use, abuse, and toss aside, surely he could tell. But Jaehwan wouldn’t question it. He just wanted to go watch netflix or something and forget that the whole ordeal ever happened. The note that was tucked in his pocket was folded, Jaehwan holding it over the shredder for what felt like hours before deciding that he’d keep it, just in case. Just in case what, he had no clue, but he couldn’t bring himself to toss it after so much heart had been poured into it. He neatly placed it in a tiny box of invaluable but loved trash, closing the lid and not looking at it again that night.   
   
Hakyeon returned the next morning, as he said he would, but Jaehwan wasn’t focused on the pressed and folded pile of clothing that was still warm as he absentmindedly pulled it from Hakyeon’s hands. He was distracted more by the small purple spots blotching the skin on his long neck, the slightly less noticeable yellowish tint of a bruise forming on his left cheek, the sulken distance in his eyes and the fact that all of the clothes he was currently wearing were oversized, smelled like a high school locker room coated with cologne, and by this description were clearly Wonshik’s. “Sorry to bother you,” Hakyeon stated, his voice soft with the roughness to it that he was failing to hide like he so noticeably was trying to. That was why his eyes looked so dull; He’d been crying recently. “I brought you your clothes back.” Jaehwan probably looked like an idiot, standing in the doorway of the apartment with his lips slightly parted in a gape, holding a small folded pile of clothes and not replying. The warmth was very quickly leaving the fabric, escaping into the cold air, but he didn’t really notice.   
   
Hakyeon seemed uncomfortable with the silence, shifting from one foot to the other, digging for a conversation starter or a goodbye closure and not seeming to find either. “Um… the jacket might still be a little wet, Wonshik said he wanted to use the dryer before it was done so…” Wonshik. It was technically no surprise that Wonshik must’ve done this, hurt Hakyeon for going near another man before coating him in the rebel’s clearly identified things, from the oversized vintage coat to the overdone bracelets clicking around wrists that had fierce red ditches where fingernails must’ve dug in. Jaehwan wondered why Hakyeon stayed with such an asshole, but he didn’t ask. He never did, he probably never would. It wasn’t his business, he didn’t want it to be, because Hakyeon, as sweet as he was, was a bad luck charm and no one wanted to draw close lest facing Wonshik’s wrath and Hakyeon’s struggles on their shoulders. 

“Are you okay?” Jaehwan snapped out of it before sighing, leaning against the doorframe as his statue-like position shattered. He tried to put on the closest thing to a concerned expression that he could find, but surely he just looked irritated to Hakyeon who would look at the bad in everything. “Are you?” he replied, deciding to thank Hongbin for unintentional practice with good comebacks. Hakyeon didn’t even skip a beat. “Yep,” he smiled, rocking on his heels. “I’m gonna go back to Shikkie now, I’ll see you sometime.”  
   
It was so well fabricated that Jaehwan wouldn’t have questioned it. The only way he knew that Hakyeon’s calm was fake was because he had evidence, a letter hidden away, a story of a boy who tried to jump from a bridge, a memory of the abuse Hakyeon probably didn’t even remember himself, too blinded by Wonshik’s occasional love. He slammed the door on his way back in, ignoring Sanghyuk irritably telling him to shut up by snapping at the freshman that he should go to sleep if he’s so fucking grouchy. He should probably go to sleep himself. He felt the frustration coming on in waves already, and once more for the sake of his own skin he didn’t follow the urge to kick Wonshik in the face and smack some sense into Hakyeon.


	4. Coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Reason 3: Ravi will hurt you if you get too close to me.'

It was no wonder why the next day went the way that it had. Jaehwan had popped up on the radar after all, going near the sacred treasure of the big baddie of the college. He should’ve expected it to happen someday, associating with Hakyeon quite a bit while Wonshik was out punting money and drugs out of other kids, though he’d never really so bluntly cared for Hakyeon before. Everytime he saw Wonshik coming before he’d run. Now he’d sent Hakyeon back having showered in his bathroom and wearing his clothes.  
   
Hakyeon was a college student like any of them, but whether he allowed himself to be treated like Wonshik’s lapdog or Wonshik forced it upon him, he acted the part. He’d swoon over Wonshik in public, always at his side if not shooed away, cuddling up to him quietly and in a manner that was almost sickly content. Jaehwan never got it, how he could be so comfortable with someone who so obviously abused him, but then he remembered that letter. “Wonshik hates me.” Did he think that because the younger man would scream that at him in fits of drunken anger? Because whether the love was true or possessive (Jaehwan positive that it was the latter), Wonshik very much seemed to love him.   
   
Jaehwan walked to his first class, groaning in miserable anticipation of the test he would have once he arrived there. He hadn’t studied much, unsurprisingly, but he still felt hopeless when he made his way to the surefire condemnment of a bad grade. He was surprised his teacher hadn’t called him in asking what was wrong, but his heart just wasn’t in it. He wanted to do art or something, not college-level algebra. Unfortunately he’d need both to graduate and get any proof of all of this effort through a diploma. Except he wouldn’t end up making it to his first class, and he realized that the moment a hard push sent him sprawling into the window beside him. He whipped and sighed, rubbing his eyes in fully obvious dismay. He knew Wonshik would come questioning why he was so close to Hakyeon. It didn’t mean he didn’t hope it wouldn’t happen.   
   
“Lee Jaehwan, huh?” Wonshik asked, his voice a little raspy from years of being a full-time smoker, but not quite yet to ‘hillbilly old man’ level roughness. “Hey, Ravi. I wanted to apologize for stepping within the ten foot radius you put around Hakyeon. Super big accident, I promise. Just wanted to make sure he didn’t fucking drown or anything.” Wonshik seemed angry at first, his small gang of three people preparing to attack at Jaehwan’s sass, but Wonshik raised his hand to stop them when he heard the last part. “Drowning? What, in your fucking shower?” He wondered if it was brave or cowardly to be bringing up the fact that Hakyeon tried to kill himself. Wouldn’t Wonshik go and direct his anger towards Hakyeon then? And Jaehwan caught his breath, remembering those bruises around the tanned male’s neck. He couldn’t do that, so he made up a fib.  
   
“I was walking home from class and found him floating face first in the river near the literature building. He said that he slipped on the rocks taking pictures for your stupid photography class. Even lost his camera in the water. Are you really going to beat me up for saving his life?” Ravi hissed, cursing under his breath before storming up and shoving Jaehwan into the wall. “I swear that better be it. Don’t go near him again if you know what’s best for you, he’s mine and I don’t need nerds like you making him think things.” And with that he was stalking off, shoving his hands in his pockets, his boys rushing after him after glaring at Jaehwan themselves.   
   
‘Making him think things.’ Things like what? That he actually had the right to say no to things, to have friends? Jaehwan sighed and rubbed his eyes before glancing up at the clock. He’d be twenty minutes late if he went to his class now, and his teacher was the type who would kick him out anyway for showing up so late to a test. He figured he’d just make some sob story over being sick and head back to the dorm. On his way back though, lo and behold, someone ran up to him.   
   
“Jaehwan..!” Hakyeon. He almost groaned, thinking back to what Wonshik had JUST said to him. Hakyeon’s cheeks were slightly flushed with the exertion of what seemed like a short run, given the track pants and the thin sweater, either that or the sweat making his hair stick to his face. “Hey! I wanted to see if you wanted to go get food today, I don’t have classes and…”

“Sorry, I have to go help Sanghyuk with homework. Take care, Hakyeon.” He walked off before he could get a reaction, and his heart scolded him with a sympathetic misery as he saw Hakyeon’s confused and disappointed face as he hurried off, the other releasing a soft breath before beginning to jog again, what with a newly formed sadness dawning upon his otherwise beautiful face.   
   
When he arrived back his phone buzzed and he checked it to see a text that only reminded him of the guilt he felt earlier. 

Hakyeon:  
    Did I do something wrong? 

Jaehwan sighed, rubbing his eyes and collapsing on their crappy old couch, muttering out the reply that he would never actually send. “You exist and I’m a coward, Hakyeon. That’s what’s wrong.”


	5. Abandon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Reason 4: I idolize.'  
> 'Reason 5: I criticize.'

A few days had passed and Hakyeon hadn’t invaded a single one of them. Jaehwan almost forgot he existed to be honest, probably would have entirely if the guilt for that single text wasn’t stabbing holes into his very being, whispering in soft, high-pitched voices what a bad person he was. He was always taught to be the better man in elementary school before all that anti-bullying propaganda disappeared into the inevitable of middle through high school. Now he was taught to fend for himself. Hongbin had noticed his funk, shoving a bottle of illegally-acquired vodka into his hand earlier that day and muttering for him to get shitfaced enough to actually go deal with whatever was making him so mopey. He would, probably, if that didn’t involve telling Hakyeon to fuck off. Because if he did that all his problems would disappear but the guilt would swallow him and his conscience would tear him to shreds and he really wouldn’t be much better off than before. Plus, as much as he hated it, he did care, just not enough to get himself into shit.   
   
On the way to class that morning he’d picked himself up a starbucks with the money that he barely had, sipping at it in a forced attempt to savor the sweetness over the cash that he wasted. He felt gross, and it would be a skip day if the past week hadn’t been a skip day. He couldn’t afford to fail too many classes, running on scholarships and grants and the backs of his hardworking parents, so he tried to at least push this far. When he rounded the corner, he noticed a few things. 

First, the door to his classroom was in sight. Everyone that would normally be waiting outside the room had already gone in, leaving the hall almost empty. Second, the hall wasn’t empty. There were around six people a little further down from his class, in the small juncture in the wall that separated into the girls and boys bathrooms. Hakyeon was one of them, Taekwoon was another. The rest were just grunts, faces that once had names to Jaehwan before he realized that they were all stupidly following the orders of someone with barely any more power than them. Hakyeon wasn’t being attacked yet, in fact, Jaehwan realized with surprise, he was the one making the noise at the moment. He was yelling.   
   
“Why the hell is it my fault that Wonshik left you?! That happened months ago! I wasn’t even around when you two broke up so why is it on me?!” He was shoved up against the wall, a warning to shut up, but there were tears in his eyes and fire in his chest, causing his breathing to be rough and quick, adrenaline surging so hard that Jaehwan could physically see it in his body. “And you’re going to push me and beat me and tell me that if I tell Wonshik what happened that you’ll kill me, I fucking know that already! But maybe I don’t care anymore! I’m sick of missing classes and being scared each time that I’ll actually have to go to the hospital, I’m sick of avoiding you, I’m sick of even fucking existing at this school but I can’t just leave like you want me to because I have things riding on this scholarship! I can’t fucking leave Wonshik either, you of all people should know that, so leave me alone!”   
   
He was screaming, but once he had finished he leaned back against the wall himself, releasing hefty breaths, curling his arms around his body tightly. Taekwoon was silent for a moment before growling out something but Jaehwan wasn’t listening, genuinely inspired with the idea that this might change something. Hakyeon defending himself was good, it was great. But when a kick was sent flying, his high hopes had faded, because it all looked the same again. Taekwoon was especially pissed now and it showed, him getting involved as well. And Jaehwan met Hakyeon’s exhausted eyes, but this time there was no pleading in them. It was just anger, betrayal, and being too afraid of that expression coming towards him from the person he thought could never be angry, he hurried into his class to avoid it.   
   
He got another text, three hours later when his phone’s battery was red in preparation to die and his charger was too far to reach without getting up. ‘I shouldn’t have thought you were any different. Stop pretending to care, I don’t want your fucking pity.’ And Hongbin and Sanghyuk could attest to how much he cried, slobbery and sick over the empty bottle of vodka, bawling that he did care, he cared so much, but he was too much of an asshole to do anything.


	6. Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Reason 6: I seem weak.'  
> 'Reason 7: I am weak.'

He threw his guts up the next morning, Sanghyuk stepping over the puddle he created on the ever-present linoleum floors on his way to class as if his roommate wasn’t spread-eagle on the floor beside it. Hongbin was still passed out, having skipped his morning class so much that he didn’t even set his alarm for it anymore, and once the front door closed behind the dorm’s ever-diligent youngest, Jaehwan found himself aching all over, throat literally throbbing on the inside somehow, and far too evidently alone. He regretted it, to say the least, and would get onto Hongbin later for even letting him get that messed up, but for now there was more to worry about as he stared at their cracked ceiling, eyes swollen and damp with vomit-induced tears.

Hakyeon’s glare, Hakyeon’s text. They weren’t like Hakyeon at all, not the person he knew anyway. He’d always considered that the other would be so much better off if he started to take care of himself, stand up a bit, puff out his chest and show that he wouldn’t just take it anymore. Jaehwan didn’t realize the probably obvious reason as to why not; It didn’t work. It had only seemed to fuel Taekwoon’s anger towards him, and as much as Hakyeon’s spiteful remark hurt, it was entirely reasonable that Hakyeon figured Jaehwan just pitied him. He’d never accept invitations to hang out, never would talk for long, and yet Hakyeon before had called him his best friend. Now they seemed to both realize how naive of a statement that was.

He gathered himself slowly over the course of two hours, downing five tablets of some generic, all-heal medication that he doubted actually could cure nausea like he doubted it actually could cure anything. He took a freezing shower that reminded him all too sickeningly of the river from before, Sanghyuk having woken up the earliest, therefore having used the entire ten minutes of their hot water on himself. Doing CPR on a Hakyeon that wasn’t breathing, the anger that came in a shallow wave when the other apologized for what a burden saving his life must’ve been. He cared, surely he cared, or he wouldn’t have rushed out at hell in the evening, wouldn’t have dumped himself into a massive body of water to find the other, wouldn’t have dragged his unconscious body onto shore personally rather than doing what a normal person would do at a suicide letter and call the police. As much as it was probably the less safe option, he did care, because who would do that if they didn’t? Someone with too much to prove? Someone less afraid of possibly drowning than of Hakyeon’s boyfriend? Some bile rose up and he swallowed it, swallowing his tears down as well. He cared, he cared he cared he cared. But clearly, as he was beginning to realize, he didn’t care nearly enough.

Hongbin was awake by the time he’d clambered back into the living room, the younger glancing up with a pitiful crease of his eyebrows before muttering in a way that only Hongbin could make sound caring, “You look like crap.” Jaehwan shot him a glare despite recognizing the good intentions. He felt like crap, at least he had showered and put on clean clothes. He was on his way out the door, not really knowing where he was going but considering that it had something to do with another overly-sweet coffee that he probably couldn’t afford, when Hongbin spoke up a bit louder. “Jae, why are you so torn up over Hakyeon? It was just a text. It’s probably for the best that you leave him alone anyway, right?” Fuck he hated getting drunk, spilling out all of his pitiful emotions to his poor, probably ashamed roommates. “I don’t know, what did I say last night? I bet you two know why I care more than I do now anyway.” It came out far more aggressively than the passive-aggressive tone he was aiming for, but he didn’t have the energy to care.

But fate was as much of an asshole as Ravi and Taekwoon and, hell, probably Jaehwan himself was, and sure enough the guilt doubled when he passed a certain, often avoided door in their building to hear the self-appointed biggest badass on campus raising his voice so loudly that Jaehwan could hear him clear through the probably hollow door. “Why the hell won’t you tell me who did this to you?! Look at your fucking face, you look horrible.” Jaehwan stopped, and he had no idea why. Maybe it was because the inner-asshole he was so sure existed wanted to hear how post-beaten Hakyeon was scolded, or maybe he was worried because he cared. Maybe he was just exhausted, too overwhelmed with this overheard conversation being the tipping point in his capability to function properly. He couldn’t sort out which was more prominent at this point.

Hakyeon must’ve been too quiet to hear, but Ravi’s answer to whatever he had said sure as hell wasn’t. “You know what? Play fucking pitiful. I bust my ass to keep you safe from these assholes and you won’t even fucking talk to me?” A thought came into Jaehwan’s head, an insane image of Hakyeon sitting on his bathroom counter, he himself pasting band-aids onto his determinedly damaged skin. He shoved it out, nausea pooling back at the emotional tug of it all. Jaehwan almost kept walking, was forcing the energy into his feet to just move on like Hongbin had said, to just take the opportunity to avoid Ravi as a blessing and get out, no matter how much something in his chest was tugging him to stay with Hakyeon. He almost succeeded too, if it weren’t for the words from Hakyeon’s barely audible voice that made his blood run cold, not because they had anything to do with him, but because he knew damned well the moment they came out that those three words would cause a shitstorm that would tear up the campus gossip like a tornado.

“It was Taekwoon.”

The next sound was a loud shatter, like glass breaking, and Jaehwan’s first instinct was to rush in and make sure Hakyeon was okay before he realized how absolutely stupid that would be. Either way, he hung close to the door, glad that he’d taken a few steps back when the door flung open and Ravi tore out of it and down the hallway, too lost in his anger to even close the thing let alone notice Jaehwan was standing right there listening. But it wasn’t illegal if the door was open right? Or maybe it was, but after a good five minutes of his heart pounding and Hakyeon not coming out, Jaehwan took the life-threatening leap.

He walked into Ravi’s apartment.

It was, as expected, a mess inside, but then again Jaehwan would be in no place to judge if it weren’t for Hongbin cleaning their entire dorm to sparkle. It was nearly the same floorplan but backwards, somehow making it look completely different. There was a rotted old sofa facing a contrastingly huge flat screen, the trashcan was almost stereotypically littered with empty beer bottles, and it was uncomfortable how natural Hakyeon looked it such a battered environment, sitting on one of the bar stools by the counter, staring at his feet. Jaehwan felt like a stalker, either that or a murderer, creeping into someone else’s dorm and sneaking up on their boyfriend, but fuck it. He already felt like crap, the worst Ravi could do was kill him and that would have it’s own upsides since the guy would then go to prison.

He stepped on a plastic bag and froze awkwardly as Hakyeon slowly lifted his eyes in an almost shameful manner before realizing that it wasn’t Ravi before him, but… “Jaehwa…” He didn’t even finish saying his name before his eyes narrowed slightly, though the anger just wasn’t there like he probably thought it appeared like. “What the hell are you doing here? If Ravi comes back…” 

“Yeah, from how mad he just looked, I don’t think he’s coming back for a while.” He wasn’t sure where this courage came from, but there it was, what he just said. Ravi wasn’t around, so here he was, approaching Hakyeon with his tail between his legs like ‘sorry for watching you get beat up in the hall and walking away’ was anything worth saying. Hakyeon was tense, knees pressed together, left fingers clawing into his right hand, as if just getting up and walking out wasn’t an option, as if getting up wasn’t an option at all. Despite how he was glaring, he was withdrawing into himself physically, and the tension was there. Jaehwan shook the plastic bag off of his foot and slowly entered further into the dark living space, realizing that the lack of light was due to the window being blocked by a comforter nailed to the wall above it. “Why are you here?” It was blunt, it was a reasonable question, and Jaehwan had no answer to it. Instead he replied with his own question. “Are you okay?”

Hakyeon laughed in that scoffing, irritable tone that Hongbin held a lot, but it sounded so wrong coming from someone who usually always sounded so sweet. “Okay? What, are you worried now when you don’t have to actually make an effort?” Despite the venom in his words, Hakyeon turned towards the counter, crossing his arms over it and hiding his face in the space between them. “I told you already, I don’t want your pity…” 

“Hakyeon, it’s not pity…” Jaehwan started, stepping forward with an entirely impulsive, heartfelt speech about to start flowing from his lips when Hakyeon sat up quickly and turned back towards him. “Then what the hell is it?!” the other interrupted, and Jaehwan was frozen. Hakyeon yelling had a different effect when it was directed at him and not Taekwoon, but that wasn’t the least of it since now the light from the still-open doorway revealed the elder’s face. First, Hakyeon was crying, a tear streaking down his cheek. Secondly, Ravi was right. He really did look terrible. His right cheek was swollen, there were two shallow but wide, circular cuts where Taekwoon or one of Taekwoon’s followers’ knuckles had connected. The space right beside his left eye was bruised in a shade of blueish-green that reminded Jaehwan of the carpet in the student lounge, and his eyes had heavy shadows cast under them from tears probably shed earlier that day. Jaehwan was frozen, even as the other kept pounding knife after knife into his chest through the raw pain in his voice.

“What the hell would make you care enough to drag me out of that river but not enough to even stop when Taekwoon surrounded me yesterday?! What the hell would make you care enough to be here right now but never enough to actually stop and talk to me for longer than a few seconds at a time?! I hate you the most because at least fucking Taekwoon shows that he hates me but I don’t know what you’re thinking at all and I can’t stand it!” It hurt, it hurt, his throat was raw for the second time that day and for an entirely different reason and fuck, it was only one pm, this type of emotion was usually saved for at least seven, his brain was on autopilot, telling him to make up a lie, make up a lie, make up a…

“It’s because I’m scared,” he whispered, managing just barely to conceal the tremble in his tone. “I care but I’m scared to get anywhere near Ravi or Taekwoon. It’s not pity, Hakyeon. I’m just a coward.” The other’s face had previously been scrunched up in anger, but it relaxed in a form of abashed weakness that Jaehwan felt all too well at this moment. He hadn’t expected to walk in here to find himself as the overwhelmed one, and his shoe found the shattered vase he’d heard before as he took a slow step back. He needed to leave, this was too much, he shouldn’t have even come in, this was so stupid and now he’d said it, the one thing he’d have never admitted out loud he fucking said and…

...and Hakyeon’s expression softened even further, another tear streaking down his swollen cheek. As he opened his mouth, Jaehwan noticed that his bottom lip was split as well. Wouldn’t someone who cared be pissed at Taekwoon rather than afraid of him? But the other male’s voice had softened into near silence, and his reply was weak and shaking. “Me too.”


	7. Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reason 8: I don’t know how to handle bad situations.

Prior to Monday morning, Jaehwan hadn’t experienced a secondhand shitty day. Others’ misfortune was in a plane far from his own, and he’d pat their backs and tell them it’d be okay without much feeling in his chest or genuine sadness echoing from his lips. But three hours into crawling out of bed to drag towards his English class, he felt the awful phenomenon of secondhand misery intensely enough that he wished an absence could be taken for incoming panic attacks. Swallowing down in gulps a frappe that was far too big for his budget and far too sweet for his health, Jaehwan was just trying to survive at this point. He couldn’t imagine how Hakyeon was feeling, being the person who was actually struggling with real problems (unlike himself).   
   
That morning he’d walked into the student lounge to see that the seat usually occupied by Hakyeon was currently taken by another student, legs draped over the arms of the chair and face buried in a book. He didn’t know what convinced him to try and look for the other upon not finding him easily; Maybe it was because of what had happened the day before, the mutual understanding they had that Jaehwan would try harder and Hakyeon wouldn’t expect him to be anything like a real friend with Ravi always having eyes on him by some means. Maybe it was that stepping foot into the lair of the beast (aka Ravi’s apartment) had shown him that some things were worth the risk and not to be such a coward. Maybe it was because he subconsciously, or by inference, knew that Hakyeon was going to go through hell today.   
   
Because Kim Wonshik was out for blood, and according to the rumors circulating social media, Taekwoon had skipped his morning class. The people that didn’t have enough homework and spent their time instead soaking up the juiciest gossip called it ‘the fuck triangle.’ Wonshik who literally possessed Hakyeon, Taekwoon who would no doubt kill a man to get Ravi to give him another chance, and Hakyeon who was wedged right up in between the current conflict. Somehow word had gotten out that Ravi was going to kill Taekwoon for touching Hakyeon, and it seemed Taekwoon was playing it safe. A girl that Jaehwan followed on twitter but didn’t know chattered that two of Ravi’s friends, Sehun and Kris, had been waiting outside of the class that Taekwoon skipped. And watching from outside, too close to ignore the drama but too far to actually contribute to solving it, was Jaehwan.   
   
He walked the halls, tried to remember Hakyeon’s schedule and only recalled that he was usually was sitting in that chair at this time on any day other than Tuesdays and Thursdays, wondering what the point was in looking for a single face when their school was big enough to have thousands of students pummeling through it at one time. He actually bumped into Hongbin, laying on a bench outside of what Jaehwan guessed was a language classroom, half asleep to the point that his ‘Jaehwan-hyung’ was slurred. He gave Hongbin the rest of his frappe; He didn’t need the sugar anyway, and his appetite was draining the more he was walking around like this, thinking and thinking and processing the hell that was about to be released when Ravi finally found Taekwoon or Taekwoon finally found Hakyeon. Whichever happened first would cause chaos; It was like a three-way game of tag, except whoever got found first (excluding Ravi) was in to get pummeled. This was when he first caught onto the fact that he was anxious, the nerves bubbling in his stomach. He wondered at the time why it bothered him.   
   
He passed Kris in the hall, the guy who was three inches taller than him and packed with more muscle and black leather to suit shooting him a glare for no reason other than lasting effect; Ravi’s grunts were all for the bravado just like Ravi was, but surely they were human and conscious enough to be stressed about the going-ons between their overlord and Jung Taekwoon, another famous name in the populated school. He kept walking, kept looking for Hakyeon. The library was full of students cramming for some test that he probably had as well and had just forgotten about, the food court was stocked with breakfast items and warm scents, the courtyard was lush and green as always despite how the sky was overcast, and there was no Hakyeon to be found. Maybe Ravi had actually gained enough sense to hide him in his apartment. Hakyeon would be safest there, since there was no way in hell that Taekwoon would go anywhere near Ravi’s residence and risk his hunter actually being there. But just as he decided to throw his hopes into Ravi having a brain, he spotted a smaller-framed, tanned male taking quick strides across the crosswalk.   
   
Hakyeon, at the very least, was smart enough to wear a baseball cap and a scarf over his mouth and nose. Jaehwan ran to catch up with him before the crosswalk’s timer ran out, and Hakyeon’s eyes were wide as a deer’s in headlights when the younger laid a hand on his shoulder. Jaehwan flinched back as Hakyeon nearly shoved him into the street, only stopping once he saw who had touched him, relaxing only the slightest amount as they landed safely on the other side of the street. “Jaehwan…” he started, but it was Jaehwan’s turn to interrupt him; he still wasn’t over Hakyeon cutting off his impromptu speech the day before. “Sorry for scaring you, but what are you doing out here? You know it’s not safe, what if Taekwoon sees you?” The smaller male bowed his head, continuing in a hurried pace that Jaehwan had to lightly jog to keep up with; He wasn’t awake enough to properly speed-walk. “I can’t just skip classes or my financial aid will be cut.” As much as Jaehwan wanted to argue that that didn’t matter, it totally did, and he pressed his lips together tightly to think of a way to dodge both of the risks at hand, losing support or being in danger. “I’m being careful, Jaehwan,” Hakyeon assured, and as anxious as he clearly was, fingers dug into his jacket and eyes still just a little too alert, he released a tiny, convincing-enough smile. “But I’m thankful that you care.”   
   
“Of course I care, you idiot,” Jaehwan muttered, but Hakyeon didn’t respond to this, continuing at a fast pace away from the school towards the dorms. This was when Jaehwan noted that they weren’t going in the direction of his and Ravi’s complex. Was it a shortcut? A longcut? A slightly-less-suspicious cut? But the eight-story changed to crumbling three-stories, and while it didn’t look quite like a dystopia, the aura of the street they were on sure felt like one. “I didn’t know you had your own dorm,” Jaehwan stated softly, looking around into an area that was unfamiliar to him. It wasn’t necessarily dirty or dangerous-looking, just older, chips in the paint on dulled walls, the asphalt on the road bumping out in random places. “I think Ravi’s roommate might actually complain if I was there all the time.” Briefly feeling compassion for whatever poor soul had to share a dorm with Ravi, Jaehwan followed Hakyeon up the stairs and past a door to a dorm that was in entirety probably the size of Jaehwan’s living room. “Do you have roommates?” he asked, glancing around. The space was quiet and tidy to the point that it seemed almost unlived in. The walls were dull, there was an old wooden desk in the corner, a mattress on the floor, blankets shoved off on the tile beside it. He noted a cockroach trap in the corner, how one of the two lights above them was burned out. For some reason, he hadn’t expected Hakyeon’s living space to seem so… sad.   
   
“My roommate is out of the country for the next few months. I don’t think you’d know him, his name is Daehyun.” Jaehwan shook his head. The name wasn’t familiar to him, though that wasn’t saying much since he wasn’t exactly popular. Hakyeon dropped his backpack carelessly on the bed, Jaehwan watching it bounce a bit on the mattress before settling, then following the elder to the open kitchen. Hakyeon tossed Jaehwan a room-temperature juice bottle from the cabinet above the sink and he stared at it as if it was a treasure before slipping it into his backpack; His appetite hadn’t returned, but he’d never turn down free food or drink. He figured it should be awkward, being alone with someone in their dorm and not speaking, but it didn’t really feel out of place to just be leaning against the counters, watching Hakyeon pop two bowls of uncooked ramen into the microwave side-by-side and type in an oddly specific time for them to cook. He turned around to see Jaehwan staring at him, blinked a few times, before hurriedly stating, “You can sit down. I mean, the only place to sit is the bed… or the counter, or the floor I guess. I usually just sit on the counter to eat, but whatever’s comfortable for you. Now that I’m thinking about it, why don’t I have chairs? I used to have a desk chair, I’m not sure where that went, I’m sorry, this is like the worst dorm ever but it works and…” Jaehwan wasn’t sure why it took Hakyeon stuttering an apology for not owning socially-acceptable seating for him to realize that the other was more anxious than he looked, but he was a bit slow and it was just dawning on him. “I’m fine,” he promised, trying to smile, probably appearing more creepy than reassuring since he was never so good at smiling on purpose and never really good at consoling people so he decided that his best would have to do. “I don’t like chairs anyway.”   
   
The ramen was salty and had the aftertaste of cardboard and Jaehwan loved every slurp of it, never having been a picky eater, especially appreciating ten-cent meals as such. There were no words exchanged as they ate, but once the bowls were tossed haphazardly on the tile beside them (Jaehwan had settled on sitting on the floor), the conversation returned with full stomachs and refreshed worry. “Have you talked to Ravi since yesterday?” Jaehwan asked uneasily, but for some reason he felt involved in this, at least through Hakyeon’s perspective. As the only person Hakyeon could possibly talk to, there was no risk in sitting here thinking up solutions. Ravi couldn’t read minds, neither could Taekwoon. This was a good compromise; He could help Hakyeon and stay out of the battlefield, like some sort of college-drama tactician.   
   
“He texted me, asked exactly where Taekwoon had hit.” Hakyeon spun the fabric of his jacket around his finger, twisting it into a tight knot, working his finger out and letting it fall just a little more wrinkled than before. “I told him that he just got my face and he showed up here this morning and… it’s kind of awkward talking about this…” Jaehwan tilted his head somewhat, as to insinuate that, his business or not, he was interested now. “He showed up to try and find more bruises I guess.” Oh. “And obviously he did. He got mad at me for lying, stormed out. That was a few hours ago and I haven’t heard from him since, so…” Hakyeon’s shoulders caved inward, his head fell so that his eyes were staring at his crossed legs, and if Jaehwan had ever wanted to hug him tightly, hold him close under a fluffy blanket, it would be now. But he shoved that thought far from his mental process and jumped back to logic. “Well, why did you lie? Taekwoon will leave you alone now, won’t he?” He knew it was farfetched even before he’d said it, but it was worth some hope. Hakyeon shook his head. “The more Ravi says to him, the more pissed at me he’ll be. He thinks Ravi is some deity or something that I stole from him, he’d never blame Ravi for anything.” But the blame would have to go somewhere, and it would go to Hakyeon. Jaehwan sighed. “Great. So the more Ravi makes a scene, the more Taekwoon is going to be pissed at you.” Hakyeon closed his eyes for a bit too long to be a blink, but they opened slowly, long lashes separating to reveal chocolate eyes that were pools of exhaustion. “It’s not going to be a short-term thing.”   
   
It was as if fate had dived at the opportunity to prove Hakyeon’s words right, because in the pause between Jaehwan thinking of some form of bullshit comfort that he was trying hard to make not-bullshit, there was a loud banging on the front door. Hakyeon jumped, startled, smacked a hand to his mouth to stop what was probably a yelp of surprise, Jaehwan himself feeling his heart jump into hyperdrive as the pounding continued relentlessly. A muffled yell was behind the door. It wasn’t Taekwoon, but no doubt it was one of his posse in his cowardly place. “Bitch, open the door! I know you’re hiding in here!” Jaehwan and Hakyeon glanced at each other, both wide-eyed and terrified, before they were both scrambling as silently as possible to their feet. Jaehwan glanced to the door, sighing in relief that Hakyeon had thought to padlock it when they’d entered. The smack to the door was a different sound now, the person was kicking now. “You best open this door before I get anymore pissed. Selling Leo out then hiding like a coward, I’m going to fucking kill you for screwing with my brother like that.”   
   
Leo, Taekwoon’s name amongst his crew. The lion, the leader. Hakyeon was visibly shaking, taking a slow step towards the door, and Jaehwan grabbed his wrist and pulled him into his chest, an act that would probably be pushing boundaries if the situation weren’t so distracting. He shook his head, whipping out his phone and typing into the notes. ‘Don’t you dare open that door, they can’t come in here so wait for him to leave.’ Hakyeon bit his lip in response, Jaehwan quickly pulling up the number to the campus police. He was about to press dial when Hakyeon grabbed his phone out of his hands and pressed the power button. Jaehwan didn’t have time to reopen his phone and ask, there was a loud grinding sound on the door. It was clear what was happening, but neither of them could or would do anything to stop it, having to pretend like they really weren’t there. Five minutes, five more minutes of the sound of wood splintering, but the man had stopped yelling, thankfully seeming to believe that Hakyeon really wasn’t inside. Five minutes, and then he was gone.   
   
They waited five more in case he came back, or was waiting out, the paranoia reasonable given the situation, before Jaehwan cautiously paced to the door on his toes, unbolting the lock and slipping it open. Hakyeon’s face was white, his dulled nails were digging caverns into the skin of his forearm, drawing blood. “He had a knife, it’s good that you didn’t open it,” Jaehwan whispered, slowly and with an airy, distanced tone. To the school it was drama, to Ravi it was an ass to kick. To Hakyeon in this moment, it was life or death, and he fell to his knees onto his bed, trembling a bit as the insinuation was in writing now. Carved into the door in a manner that was no way clean were three simple words that had Jaehwan slamming the door and locking it immediately, rushing to Hakyeon's side, grabbing his hands, trying to get his attention, failing. The other was conscious but shaking, his eyes were glossy but no tears were falling, and the second-hand anxiety turned into second-hand fear. "Tell Ravi, he'll protect you, you have to tell Ravi."

"He'll kill Taekwoon," Hakyeon breathed. "He'll actually kill him..."

"Who cares?! At this rate Taekwoon's stupid friends are going to kill you!" Hakyeon smacked Jaehwan's hands away, and the tears streaked down three in a second, his paled face turning slightly rosy. "Why does anyone have to worry about being killed by anyone?!" Jaehwan swallowed his words but the fire was still there, the fire that he didn't understand and the fire that he followed anyway, the one that told him he needed to protect Hakyeon right now because no one else besides Ravi was on his side and Ravi would cause more problems than he'd solve. The banging returned an hour later, an hour where rain began to fall from the overcast skies, the growls, and neither were listening, Hakyeon muffling his cries into Jaehwan's sweater and Jaehwan trying to keep the second-hand tears from falling. Three simple words carved into a door, a fight between three simple people.  
   
‘You’re dead, whore.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Here to attest that, yes, this is realistic, just the really dramatic side of realistic. Relationship drama can be scary okay, and a lot of the times it’s the friends who get the most violent, not so much the people directly involved. This chapter is intensies, I hope it’s not too overwhelming <3 Take care))


	8. Outskirts

Reason 9: It feels like I always take one step forward and two steps back.   
   
   
The white lighting casted lingering shadows under Hakyeon’s eyes, like grey starbursts tracing the patterns of his lashes. They had many reasons to have not left the elder’s apartment yet, the storm being one, the threats being another. No one had come to the door for hours, but the adrenaline was still pumping, swirling anxiety in their stomachs like a defective taffy machine; Jaehwan was never so good at analogies.   
   
What he possibly was good at, however, was making decent hot chocolate from smushed candy bars and a few cups of milk that was technically expired but wasn’t pungent enough to throw away. The warmth in their stomachs warred off the chill of the draft laying static in the air, and Hakyeon stopped trembling around two hours ago. Jaehwan had spent the time trying to be as distracting as possible, assuming success when his embarrassing summer camp recollections and rants about obscure anime storylines sprouted a smile or a response from the other. Hakyeon didn’t say much, which was to be expected when someone threatened to kill you a few times in one day, but what he did say was locked away in Jaehwan’s memory, a determined attempt to get to know the person who he’d once shoved aside as a troublesome acquaintance.   
   
It was dark now, or at least darker. The small window placed awkwardly in the far corner of the room was dimmed by the dark clouds cast over the night sky, and the light above them produced the same ominous starchy glow that fixtures in grocery stores or sketchy motels had. It made Hakyeon’s normally tanned skin seem glassy and pale, and Jaehwan was pretty sure he himself looked like a ghost, his skin being pasty enough without the shitty lighting. That was one thing he appreciated about Hakyeon though, the fact that he didn’t seem to care too much about appearance, on himself or on other people. Ravi would buy him stylish clothing for sake of petty presents and representing his own image through his boyfriend, but Hakyeon still went out from time to time in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt, no foundation or liner on his face, hair messy in a way that most other people probably wouldn’t have found as cute as Jaehwan did. And even in these times where Jaehwan was wearing four-day-old pants and a going-on-a-week-old shirt, the other never bothered to bring up his image. Jaehwan was used to Sanghyuk muttering that he was stinking the place up when he walked by, to Hongbin literally stripping his shirt off of him on occasion because he’d be damned if he missed laundry day. Before he was so anxious to be seen near Hakyeon that he somewhat loathed bumping into him just to rush off with some garbage excuse. Now that he was actually sitting down with him though, it was kind of nice.   
   
“The rain’s stopped,” Hakyeon breathed after a moment of pause between Jaehwan’s stories. The younger glanced out the window, noting that the downpour from earlier had drizzled down to a soft mist hanging in the air, fogging up the glass. “What time is it?” Jaehwan shrugged but slipped out his phone, ignoring Sanghyuk’s text to wash the dishes before Hongbin bitched them out for not doing it and blinking at the front screen for a full three seconds before he could comprehend the number staring back at him. “Ten-thirty. Do you have class tomorrow?” Hakyeon nodded, laying back on his mattress, closing his eyes with a dull-hearted sigh. Jaehwan glanced down at his phone for a moment longer, not looking for anything in particular, before shutting off the screen and placing it back on the tile beside him. He noticed Hakyeon’s phone sitting maybe five feet away for the eleventh time that night; The screen kept lighting up with texts that it seemed both of them were planning on ignoring. “I’m tired,” Hakyeon breathed, and Jaehwan took that as his cue to prepare to leave before the other slowly released another breath, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. “I’m so tired of all of this.” Oh, that kind of tired. It was understandable, and Jaehwan settled himself back down from where he was about to stand.   
   
“Do you need someone to walk you to class tomorrow? Mine doesn’t start until three, I could…” But Hakyeon shook his head slowly before Jaehwan had even finished speaking, letting the other’s words trickle away before responding, “If Taekwoon or Ravi sees you with me you’ll be screwed over too. You shouldn’t get involved.” Jaehwan swallowed these words like they weren’t a mini punch to the gut. He shouldn’t get involved… but wasn’t he already involved? He was here right? But Hakyeon was right, this wasn’t his business. Ravi and Taekwoon didn’t even know he really existed, and there was no way in hell he’d be courageous enough to step up to either of them for Hakyeon’s sake. This was the downside of playing it safe; he’d always be on the outside of things, in the background of a picture that he couldn’t remove his eyes from, hand on the glass as he pretended like the emotions he felt, the anxiety, the protectiveness, were anywhere near justified when he wasn’t willing to do anything about them.   
   
“Even still, I’m here for you.” The words were shallow and they both knew it, Jaehwan swallowing down the regret in saying such a thing because he wasn’t, he really wasn’t there for Hakyeon. Even if he’d sit in this room for hours and chatter about himself or rub the other on the back, he would never prioritize Hakyeon’s needs over his own wants, he was too afraid to. Hakyeon didn’t respond to his bullshit words, taking a few moments to let them dissolve into the crisp air around them before whispering again, “I’m tired.” This time Jaehwan decided that it was time to go, rising to his feet and helping Hakyeon do the same, stating that the other should get some rest. He’d done what he could do from the outskirts of the dilemma, but sitting here any longer would be wasting time, wasting effort that he couldn’t expend enough to count. They said feeble goodbyes, Hakyeon asked if he knew how to get home and he lied and said yes, whipping out the GPS app on his phone the moment the door clicked shut. It was cold out, it was so humid that the chill stuck to his skin and soaked his clothes, and he couldn’t for the life of him pinpoint the reason to why he was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter, I've been busy with school and work but trying to fill in time by writing <3


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